Today's Incoming First Years ...

School is starting soon, so it's once again time for everyone who has the privilege of teaching today's young people to update their cultural references. Some of these items will make you feel deeply old, but remember: as educators, we should never be afraid of knowledge.

And as always, I am profoundly thankful to all of the teachers, administrators and soon-to-be-redundant support staff who send in these suggestions. Please keep it up! There's no "I" in "free content"!

With that all out of the way, today's incoming first year college students don't remember when …

• The cosmic background radiation was over 2.725 K. (Dr. Tim Pippington, Idaho Falls Community College)
• The great Sphinx of Gaza had its nose. (Prof. Janet Lancaster, University of Oregon Steaks)
• The character of Darrin Stephens on "Bewitched" was played by Dick York. (Msgr. Bobby Lut, St. Pew Pew College)
• The Earth lacked magnetic fields. (Mr. Oliver Orange, Oklahoma Correctional)
• The word "Pokemon" could not be used both as a singular and plural noun. (Dr. Patricia Harold, Hogwarts)
• Women weren't allowed to commit credit card fraud. (Dr. Bass Handler, Tom Wolfe Convocational)
• Mysterious dark forces secretly shaped the tides of history. (Prof. Alice Addrop, Florida Help I'm Trapped in A Diploma Mill University)
• There was any doubt as to whether Sam Malone and Diane Chambers would hook up. (Not Michael Ellis, Wetlake College)
• Mentos wasn't the freshmaker. (Ms. Knancy Donovan, Silent T University)
• Division by zero was legal. (Prof. Rip Tatter, High Tones Census Area)
• Electromagnetism and the weak force weren't unified. (The Right Honorable Frederick Said, Frantic State College of Soft Nocks Alabama)
• People who made it in New York could make it anywhere. (Mr. Hop Wiskey, Oxfam)
• George W. Bush wasn't best known for his oil paintings. (Dr. Drake, Spin City Community Theater)
• There were no consequences for starting a land war in Asia (Jean-Jacques Rooster, Sorbonne University)
• Mitochondria weren't allowed to free load off of hard working eukaryotic cells. (Dr. Edith Spachemon, Harvard Extension Cord)
• Libraries had sections for "pre-apocalyptic fiction". (Prof. Frasier Egret, Scary University of Southern Florida)
• Opening a chess game with the Latvian Gambit would make you seem "cool" and "with it". (Prof. Barbara AnnAnnAnnAnnAnn, University of Toot)

Despite all this, remember that these new college students are still human and still deserve to learn in spider free environments! And be sure to look out for this list next year, as there will be some real shockers (hint: today's 17 year old don't remember living outside of the simulation at all!).