Some Funny Things Thomas Wrote, Often With Help

• The Beast File
• It's the End of the Origin As We Know It (And I Feel Affine)
• Breakfast Cerial or Computer Science Term Invented By Donald Knuth?
• The Muppets: Where Are They Now?
• Zen for Stupid People
• Nietzsche For Complete and Total Idiots
• RFD: comp.lang.dysfunctional
• TOP TEN REASONS NOAM CHOMSKY IS REALLY PISSED OFF
• Games I'd Like To See
• Incorrect Group Names
• Tom Swifties for Geeks
• Sequels on a Plane
• Dated Who's On First Routine

The Beast File

666  			The Number of the Beast
6.64 * 10^3  (+/- 3)    The Number of the Beast (Experimental Estimate)
665			The Neighbor of the Beast
333			The Number of the Son of the Beast
2 * 3^2 * 37		The Factorization of the Beast
999			The Number of the Beast Hanging Upside Down
e^(pi i/333)		The Root of Unity of the Beast
777			The Airplane of the Beast
686			The Intel Microprocessor of the Beast
29A			The Number of the Beast in Hex
1232			The Number of the Beast in Octal
001010011010		The Number of the Beast in Binary
     ____ 
Z[ \/ 666 ]             The Number Field of the Beast
June 6, 1966		The Birthday of the Beast
66 6th St.		The Address of the Beast
6666			The PIN Number of the Beast
669			The Sex Act of the Beast
$ 666,666,666,666	The Budget Deficit of the Beast
666-6666		The Phone Number of the Beast
666-66-6666		The Social Security Number of the Beast
66666			The Zip Code of the Beast
-rw-rw-rw-		The File Protection of the Beast
6.66                    The Beast / Dollar Exchange Rate as of Oct. 17, 1994
66.6			The Test Average of the Beast
rec.humor.funny         The Newsgroup of the Beast
H.R. 666		The Bill of the Beast
6.66 * 10^23            Avogadro's Number of the Beast
vivivi                  Text Editor of the Beast

It's the End of the Origin As We Know It (And I Feel Affine)

That's great, it starts with a vector space,
lines are subspace and so are planes,
and Erhardt Schmidt is not afraid.

I have an operator matrix
in terms of a distingiushed basis.
If the world has a different view,
there's a matrix for that operator too.

Projection transformation with skew sparse cross dot
Trace of a row space, cayley and hamilton have found an independent base
for a partial pivot.

Problems sets coming in a hurry
with midterms breathing down your neck.
Matrix factorization methods include gauss jordan lq
Look at that normal plane, affine, then.

Uh oh, underflow,
Condition number is a little low,
So save your code, serve your code,
World has its own basis,
Dummy change your own basis,
Dummy with the product in the hilbert space with the norm, norm.
New eigenvalue eigenvector adjoint cofactor best fit row vector.

Chorus:
        It's the end of the origin as we know it,
        It's the end of the origin as we know it,
        It's the end of the origin as we know it,
                (it's time I did my homework alone)
        It's the end of the origin as we know it,
                (it's time I did my homework alone)
        It's the end of the origin as we know it,
                (it's time I did my homework alone)
        And I feel affine.
        I feel affine.


Just the other night I
Came up with a new factorization for I
It's pretty trivial I won't lie
or Gilbert Strangify.

Breakfast Cerial or Computer Science Term Invented By Donald Knuth?

		Breakfast Cerial       CS Term Invented By Donald Knuth
                ================       ================================

Trix                   X

MIX                                                    X

Giant O's              X

Big-O                                                  X

Chex		       X

TeX                                                    X

The Muppets: Where Are They Now?

Miss Piggie: The so-called "Queen of the Infomercial", Miss Piggie can frequently be seen late at night hawking skin care and weight loss products. She especially enjoys showing her audience "Before" and "After" pictures which emphasize her new 120 pound figure.

Fozzie Bear: Always desperate for laughs, Fozzie made a shortlived comeback under the name "The Fozz" about five years ago as a foul mouthed and "un-PC" comedian. When that collapsed, Fozzie's drinking and drug problems came to the foreground, and he checked into Betty Ford.

Ralph the Dog: Shocked many by coming out shortly after the last muppet movie. Briefly played in Las Vegas, then decided he liked the local scene better and went back to tickling the ivories in the same bar a little outside of Chicago that he started playing at some thirty years ago.

Gonzo the Great: Cheered up remarkably after being diagnosed for depression and put on Prozac. Divorced by his first wife, Henrietta A. Cluck, Gonzo now works as a GM dealer in Atlanta.

Animal: His three public disturbance misdeamenors notwithstanding, Animal is still drumming away, currently with an obscure LA grunge band named "Verb". You may have seen him playing in the background with Pearl Jam at last year's MTV music video awards ceremony.

Sam The Eagle: Makes good money on the conservative lecture circuit.

Beaker: After Dr. Bunson Honeydew's tragic suicide in '87, Beaker moved to Delaware and starting working for DuPont, where is now an associate scientist. He is happily married and the father of three.

Scooter: After a short stint as an assistant producer at Universal (a job he obtained via his uncle's connections), Scooter decided to renounce material possessions and go find his spiritual self. For the last three years he has served as an apostle to the Esteemed Guru Tisarna of Nick Falls, South Dakota.

Dr. Teeth: Died of skin cancer.

Zen for Stupid People

• What is the sound of two hands clapping?

• If a tree falls in forest, and someone is around to hear it, does it make a noise?

• If you meet the Bhudda in the road...well, step aside! Make way! This is THE Buhdda we're talking about!

• A monk came to Joshu and asked "What is Zen?". Joshu replied "Have you eaten your rice?". The monk said "Yes." Joshu responded "Well, go ahead and have seconds! There's plenty enough to go around!".

  Hearing this, the monk was not enlightened.

• Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said, "The flag is moving." The other said, "The wind is moving." A Zen Master happened to be passing by. He admonished them, saying, "Don't you guys have anything better to argue about? Jesus!"

• One day Tokusan told his student Ganto, "I have two monks who have been here for many years. Go and examine them." Ganto picked up an ax and went to the hut where the two monks were meditating. He raised the ax, saying, "If you say a word I will cut off your heads; and if you do not say a word, I will also cut off your heads."

  Both monks continued their meditation as if he had not spoken. Ganto dropped the ax and said, "You are true Zen students." He returned to Tokusan and related the incident. Tokusan immediately had him arrested as a homicidal maniac.

• Question: "Does a dog have Buddha-nature?"

  Answer: "No."

• Question: "Why did Bodhidharma come from India into China?"

  Answer: "He was bored."

• Zen is drinking when you are thirsty, sleeping when you are tired, and taking the trash out on Tuesdays.

Nietzsche For Complete and Total Idiots

• If you stare into the void long enough, you'll get a real bad headache.

• If you would give birth to a dancing star, better go for that caesarean section.

• God is dead. Get over it.

• I teach you the superman. Kryptonite you'll have to work out for yourself.

• Woman was God's second blunder. So nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

• What I understand by 'philosopher': a terrible explosive in the presence of which everything is in danger. Or alternatively, a small hairless duck.

• Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual. Moooo!

• The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. Where the movie "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" came from, I don't know.

• The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! This is also the way to the greatest Nielson ratings.

• The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort, but not as great as new Garlic Flavored Mentos! Mentos: It's the Chewy Mint!

• So long as the priest, that professional negator, slanderer and poisoner of life, is regarded as a superior type of human being, there cannot be any answer to the question: what is with those funny looking robes?

• Neither as an ethical code nor as a religion has Christianity any point of contact with things as they actually are. On the other hand, it's tres chic as a fashion statement.

• The Christian religion grew upon a soil of such utter falsification, where the deepest instincts of the ruling factions were opposed to nature and natural values to such an extent, that Christianity became a death struggle against reality which was only surpassed by the 1992 Mets.

• What is good? All that elevates the feeling of power, the will to power, my ability to get laid.

• What is bad? All that proceeds from weakness. For example, those "Hey, Vern!" movies.

• What is happiness? The feeling that power *increases*--that resistance is being overcome. Thus, Pepto Bismo is happiness.

• Life is an instinct of growth, for survival, for the accumulation of forces, for power. Also, an award winning game from Milton Bradley.

• Beyond Good and Evil or beyond door number 2? Let's make a deal!

• What fails to kill me leaves me alive. I mean, duh.

RFD: comp.lang.dysfunctional

Request for Discussion (RFD)

Newsgroup       : comp.lang.dysfunctional
Status          : unmoderated
Distribution    : Worldwide
Summary         : For discussion of dysfunctional languages
Proponent       : John Raucous, (jraucous@sjrl.ibm.com)

This RFD has been posted in accordance with the Guidelines for Newsgroup Creation. Its language is based on previously submitted RFDs. The RFD is being cross-posted to the following relevant news groups:

        news.announce.newgroups
        news.groups
        alt.lang.basic
        alt.lang.teco
        alt.lang.s-lang
        comp.lang.cobol

	Dysfunctional Languages Email Group (DLEG)

CHARTER

While specific dysfunctional computer languages such as BASIC, COBOL, or TECO arose quite early in the history of computing, it was not until the late 70s that theoretical interest in dysfunctional computing was awakened. Much of this research centered around the fact that the independence of a statement's effect from its local context allows dysfunctional languages to be well modeled by random walks following a Poisson distribution. John Raucous' 1977 AMI Turning Award Lecture, "Can Programming Be Liberated from Its Anal Retentive, Uptight Style?" also brought researchers upon the dysfunctional bandwagon.

The first language to be designed solely along dysfunctional lines was OK, developed by a team at NILS (National Institute for the Lack of Standards). OK allowed programmers to define the meaning of the statements in their programs, and then allowed the compiler to totally ignore this meaning. The early eighties produced REAGAN, which extended dysfunctional principles into a multitasking arena. In REAGAN, the primary process is always under the control of the secondary process, neither of which are allowed to communicate with any of the child processes. REAGAN processes never voluntarily give up control, but rather are forced to halt under a complex process known as "indictment."

Currently, the most popular dysfunctional language is BUNDY, best known for its unusual approach to garbage collection. Instead of deallocating garbage memory, BUNDY attempts to reuse it over and over again as many times as possible. Many commentators believe that BUNDY's popularity derives from its strong similarities to the C programming language.

RATIONALE

Although employees of Microsoft and other corporations promoting the use of dysfunctional languages will be welcome and encouraged to use this newsgroup to disseminate important technical disinformation, it is important to note that there will be no official endorsement of this newsgroup by Microsoft Inc. or vice-versa, as such an aknowledgement would be in violation of the spirit of dysfunctional languages.

RELATED NEWSGROUPS

FUTURE CALL FOR VOTES

TOP TEN REASONS NOAM CHOMSKY IS REALLY PISSED OFF

9. Whenever he walks into a bar in Boston, everyone shouts out "Noam!"

8. His doctor accidently removed his East Timor.

7. People at cocktail parties who think linguistics is the study of pasta.

6. For every letter he writes to his senator protesting U.S. support of the Indonesian dictatorship, his senator writes back, "In Your Nesia!"

5. Because of journalistic complicity with the power elite, the Boston Globe won't run his personal ads.

4. Even though infants posses inate grammatical structures of mammoth complexity, they still can't pronounce his last name correctly.

3. No nobel prize in linguistics means his MIT parking space sucks.

2. Undergraduates who still think "Generative Grammer? I don't even know her!" is funny.

1. Archrival E.O. Wilson's bumpersticker: "Chom This."

Games I'd Like To See

1970: The Battle for Kent State
Snakes & Lagers, A Child's First Drinking Game
Par Cheesy (The Game of Golf Puns)
Spleen! The Wacky Organ Donor Game!
Scrapple! The Guess What's in Your Food Game!
Hungry Hungry Hipsters
Chest: A Strategy Game for Men.
Botched Operation
God-Emperor of Catan
Spin the Widget
Bad, Bad Octopus!
Make Me Vomit
Monocoly, The Game of Competitive Single-Lens Optometry
Crazy Es
Hungry Hungry Leech
Gnip Gnosis
Can't Strop (A Shaving Razor Game)
Czechers
Litigate!
Rusk 
Bacchus (Just *try* to keep the god of wine's pieces from touching.)

Incorrect Group Names

A caucophony of ninjas.
A rookery of knights.
A congregation of Anglicans.
A pride of mimes.
A herd of linux kernel hackers.
A brood of optimists.
A wake of narcoleptics.
A bed of pimps.
A litter of park wardens.
A pod of blackberries.
A stable of psychiatrists.
A pack of claustrophobes.
An exaltation of SUVs.
A flight of penguins.
A host of guests.
A kindle of firefighters.
A stand of tribbles.
A flock of close() calls.
An orgy of celibates.
A murder of pacifists.
A clutch of slackers.

Tom Swifties for Geeks

"And then I incremented the number five times", Tom added.

"I guess the two sets had no members in common", Tom said disjointedly.

"In conclusion, 85 plus 80 is 165," Tom summed up.

"Two minus three? Pfffft," Tom said negatively.

"But x squared plus y squared equals 0 is the greatest figure of all!" Tom said hyperbolically.

"I'll take the prisoners downstairs", Tom said condescendingly.

"I scored these tests wrong the first time," Tom remarked.

"Pi is always the same," Tom said constantly. ("It never changes," he invariably added.)

"Oh, no, sorry, I meant -2x," Tom doubled back.

"This thing is so great it has addition and multiplication," Tom endorsed ringingly!

Sequels on a Plane

Answers

Dated Who's On First Routine

[Scene: TERRY FRANCONA is sitting, and making pencil marks on a small notepad. A BALL BOY enters from stage right.]

BB: Hey, Terry, how ya doing, what's happening, what've you been up to?

[TF looks up with disdain.] TF: If you must know, I've been working on our opening day lineup.

BB: That's great, that's fantastic, that's terrific, listen. I haven't exactly been following the newspapers this winter, so I was wondering if you could maybe fill me in who we got playing this year. [Waves open palms for emphasis:] 'Cause I've heard there have been lots of changes.

[TF sighs, looks at watch.] TF: I guess.

BB: Thanks a million, Terry, you're one in a .. lot. So tell me, who's on first?

TF: I'm sleeping with your wife.

BB: I'm sleeping with your wife?

TF: Yes.

BB: On first?

TF: Yes.

BB: Isn't he usually in the outfield?

TF: Yeah, but I'm sleeping with your wife has been getting old, so I thought I would try him on first.

BB: Well, you're the manager. Who do ya got on second?

TF: Quick run the stadium's on fire.

BB: Quick run the stadium's on fire?

TF: Yes.

BB: Never heard of him.

TF: Her.

BB: Her?

TF: Yep.

BB: Miss quick run the stadium's on fire?

TF: Ms., actually.

BB: You're telling me that if I was on the opposing team and I hit a double in Fenway park, that I'd be on second base with a woman?

TF: If she fumbles the ball, you could be lucky and get to third.

BB: Since when are females allowed in major league baseball?

TF: [Shrugs.] It was one of Theo's conditions for returning.

BB: Well I'll be. Don't tell me we've got a dame playing shortshop as well?

TF: No, the who's on first routine is on shortstop.

BB: The who's on first routine is playing shortstop?

TF: Well, I'm platooning him with stop this sketch before someone gets hurt.

BB: Wow. The who's on first routine, stop this sketch before someone gets hurt, they're both great. Great, great players. Except for all the felonies, of course.

TF: Of course.

BB: And who do we have on third?

TF: Hmmmm.

BB: Hmmmm?

TF: Hmmmm.

BB: Bit of a strange name, isn't it?

TF: [Shrugs.] He's from the Japanese leagues.

BB: Ahh.

TF: No, Ahh is our new catcher.

BB: You don't say. Well, sounds like a terrific infield. Now tell me, who do we have in center field?

TF: Johnny Damon.

BB: WHAT? JOHNNY DAMON? [Slugs Terry Francona.]

[End scene. TF and BB face audience, bow, and then curtsy.]